


dick spikes

by poselikeateam



Series: Jaskier's Weird Dong AUs [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Banter, Barbed Penis, Confessions, Confused Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, First Time, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is So Done, Getting Together, Immortal Jaskier | Dandelion, Implied Sexual Content, Jaskier | Dandelion Being Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, M/M, Monsterfucker Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Mutual Pining, Non-Human Genitalia, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion, POV Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Trans Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, it isn't stated but it's important to know that his nonhumanness will make him immortal, it's important because it makes me happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26288911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam
Summary: It's finally here. If you know, you know.**Geralt is more than used to his bard being weird. Sometimes he'll just do or say things that would make no sense if coming from anyone else. It's just how he is. Somehow, though, he still manages to throw Geralt for a loop every now and again.Turns out that metal file isn't for his fingernails after all.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Jaskier's Weird Dong AUs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2187711
Comments: 43
Kudos: 338





	dick spikes

**Author's Note:**

> The long-awaited _dick spikes_ fic is finally here. My sincerest thanks to everyone in the Discord server who helped me workshop this nightmare. 
> 
> There's no smut because I just?? couldn't make myself write smut idk, not feeling it for now but I might add some another time as another chapter. No promises

As a general rule, Geralt would not call his life _normal_. After all, he is a witcher; still, even for a witcher, his life is far from normal. That, of course, is mostly the fault of a certain bard.

So really, it would be more accurate to say that he wouldn't call life _with Jaskier_ normal. 

Still, at least things have been interesting. While at first Geralt thought he craved the monotony that his life had fallen into before Jaskier had come through it like a tornado, it hadn't taken long for him to appreciate it. There is, after all, a difference between living and surviving, and Geralt had stopped living a very long time ago. 

The thing is, after the disaster that was Blaviken, he'd stopped trying to live. Geralt didn't seek out pleasures because he didn't think he deserved them. Simply being alive could be a punishment, if he tried hard enough — or, rather, if he avoided trying altogether. So, he put as little effort into living as possible, just enough to keep himself alive. He ate raw meat, he didn't stop to make camp until he couldn't avoid it, he avoided inns, he only took care of the wounds that were life-threatening, he even meditated in the rain. It's not as though he could get sick, after all. 

Then Jaskier came along.

Suddenly, he wasn't living for himself, but for someone else. It was as if he had a pet human to take care of. He needed to keep it fed and watered, make sure it got its rest and its baths and its exercise. Slowly, Geralt started indulging in simple luxuries — not for himself, but for his bard. And eventually, he came to do these things for himself, too. Jaskier would always raise such a fuss if Geralt tried to, in his words, _live like a feral, old hermit_. Jaskier started to honest to Gods _pamper_ him. He complimented him, and made sure that others treated him well, and got into fights on his behalf (when Geralt wasn't around to stop him). Eventually, it had just become a part of his life. 

That bard has always been particularly vexing. He is, frankly, the most paradoxical man Geralt has ever met. He loves good conversation, but travels with Geralt. He thrives on social interaction and large crowds and attention, but never wants to stay in one place for too long. He takes many lovers, but never stays with them. He loves finery and luxury, but is content to spend most of his days walking across the continent and his nights sleeping under the stars.

His penchant for pampering always seems to come out in the least convenient times. One of his most important possessions, for some reason, is the metal file he keeps safely tucked away in his pack. Geralt knows that his fingernails are important for playing his lute, that if they're too long or too short he can't work the strings properly, that if they're too ragged or dirty he won't look as professional as he does if they're well-kept, but Jaskier takes his nail care routine far too seriously, in Geralt's opinion. He's always going off on his own with that file of his, often for more than an hour at a time. 

How can something like that take more than an hour?

Another odd thing about him is how, even though he spends most of his time traveling on foot, he is _the worst_ at packing. He has too many clothes and trinkets, and he never keeps his things organised. That leads, far too often, to moments like this. 

"Oh, damn it all," he hears Jaskier grumble as he fumbles through his pack. 

"What are you looking for?" he asks. Perhaps he'd seen it, or could find it; it's a little amusing how Jaskier always forgets he can ask for Geralt's help searching for lost items, especially with the frequency with which he loses things. 

"My file," the bard answers, irritation mounting in his tone. "I swear I put it in the left-side pocket of my pack, but I just can't seem to _find_ the damned thing!"

Geralt rolls his eyes, even though he knows Jaskier isn't looking. "You need a manicure that badly?" he taunts.

"Oh, piss off," Jaskier returns, but there's no real bite to it. "You know damn well— aha!" Whatever it is that Geralt apparently damn well knows is promptly forgotten as the bard victoriously holds up the file he'd been searching for. 

Well, at least the bard will be out of his hair for a while. Usually, Jaskier has impeccable timing with this sort of thing — he always does his woodland manicures when Geralt has things to do and doesn’t want to be distracted. It’s the only time he actually gets any real peace in Jaskier’s company, and he does his best to take advantage of it. 

The thing is, for once he doesn’t really have anything to do. They were recently in a town, so things like bathing, washing their clothes, taking care of Roach, and getting food are all taken care of. He has no contracts, he’s got enough potions, Roach is happily grazing, they have plenty of food, the campsite is set up, his swords are sharpened to perfection.

So, for once, he doesn’t have much better to do than sit and watch Jaskier do his nails.

Watching Jaskier do things can be incredibly fascinating. For someone so easily distracted, he possesses a single-minded focus when doing things that he deems important. Gods forbid anyone try to interrupt him while he’s composing. Honestly, Geralt loves watching his bard compose, though he’ll admit it to no one but Roach.

He grabs himself an apple and goes to sit near Jaskier, but what he sees when he turns around has him stopping dead in his tracks.

Jaskier has his file in hand, but is not working on his fingernails, as Geralt — or, really, literally any reasonable person — would have expected. No, that would make _sense_ , so of _course_ Jaskier wouldn’t be doing that. Instead, he is steadily filing just under the head of his prick.

“What the fuck?”

The bard stops and looks at Geralt, as if the witcher’s outburst is somehow the unreasonable part of all of this. 

“What’s got you all worked up?” the bard asks, still rubbing the metal file against his dick.

“Why are you filing your cock?” he demands, completely flummoxed. 

Jaskier rolls his eyes like Geralt’s just asked a very stupid question. “Come now, Geralt, don’t tell me you don’t file your spikes down? No wonder they charge you more at brothels, if that’s the case! No one likes a scratchy dick!”

The witcher scowls, crossing his arms. “I don’t _have_ a dick,” he says, “but if I did, it wouldn’t have fucking _spikes_ on it.”

Of course the bard looks offended by that. “What’s wrong with having spikes?” he demands. 

And then, of course, Geralt gets to play his favourite Jaskier-related game: convince the bard that no, this thing is not as normal as you think it is. Even that doesn’t end up going the way he’d planned it. Then again, when does anything where Jaskier is involved?

**

Geralt doesn’t understand how he keeps getting dragged into strange situations, and understands even less why he allows it to happen.

Okay, to be fair, he’s not actually against this. And he knows that if he was, it wouldn’t be happening. It’s just, it’s _weird_. 

Look, if someone said _you’re going to have sex with the person you’ve been secretly pining over for decades, but there’s a catch — several literal catches actually because he has _spikes_ on his _dick_ and that’s how you’ve gotten to this point in the first place_ there is not a single person alive who would answer that with _oh, yeah, I assumed that’s how it would happen._ And yet — and fucking yet — that is exactly what is happening to Geralt right now. 

Of course it is.

**

On second thought, maybe dick spikes aren’t so bad after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Important things that did not make it in but I wanted to share anyway:  
> *Jaskier comes from a long line of monsterfuckers. He's a genetic slurry that even the Gods can't pick apart.  
> *His dick spikes are like fingernails if they get too long, but when filed down they're silky nubs (thanks @locktea)  
> *He tried cutting his spikes ONCE when he was a teenager, but hit the quick (like when you cut a dog's claws too low) and ran into his parents' court screaming with his dick bleeding. He's been filing them since. (thanks for that mental image @rercho)  
> *He thinks it's normal to have a barbed dick. Might not even be entirely aware that he isn't human.  
> *There's a whole list I have on Google Docs called "[LIST] Jaskier's weird dong AUs"


End file.
